Hapkido

Four months and one blue belt ago I began Hapkido. I feel the need to quickly profile my experience because Monday I am following our Hapkido teacher to a bigger school in Pyeontaek (the neighboring city). This marks the end of one of my favorite experiences of my lifetime. I can only describe it, so let's go together, starting with the walk from my apartment.

I let you try and unlock my apartment door but the many needless locks confuse you and eventually I have to interfere.
You huff, "Leslie we have been in your apartment for two seconds, Korea is the safest nation in the world, I think the dead bolt would suffice and save you at least 20 minutes a day!"
"I'm sorry but my mother has put the fear of god in me, and unless I lock all the locks, I waste 40 minutes a day trying every combination until the twelfth attempt yields daylight. Did you come all the way from America to bitch, Katchi ga, we're late"
We exit my apartment building which is the same color and design of every other Korean apartment building. You know how in new suburbs, developers take three home models, make small variations, then pepper 100 miles with the same house...Korea did this with 20 floor high rises.
We cross the small playground just outside apartment, Korean adolescents currently loiter, passing the time with K-Pop synchronized moves.
"Those were four teenage boys simultaneously pelvic thrusting to a boy band...right?" You ask with disbelief.
"Yes, for such a homophobic country, I swear half of these men would be a shoe-in for chorus line. Keep moving they are starting to stare at us."
We walk the short block out of my apartment complex.
"Les-uh-lie, Les-uh-lie, Yonga sunsangnim! Yogio! Les-uh-lie"
We are swarmed by four of my students in roller blades and Tykwondo uniforms. Each child carries a dixy cup filled with random, delicious, street food. Three more children ,who are too young to be my students but know my name, join the fray. They circle us like pigeons to bread crumbs, chirping the same phrases, "Oh who this? American? Beautiful, beautiful (insert your gender here)."
One child skewers a bit of tak (Korean thick noodle) with her toothpick and offers the delicious morsel to us. You don't take it, because quite frankly, I wouldn't have either eight months ago. You still recognize, eating off others cutlery exchanges germs and remember that bit about taking candy from strangers. I, on the other hand, accept the second and third helpings she offers me.
"Hapkido, go, now," I say, as I peel a small child from your pant leg.
"Goodbye!" They all say in unison.
We continue walking down the unevenly paved street. You trip and fall because someone cemented one brick into the middle of the slanted sidewalk. Sorry I should have warned you. While crouched on the ground massaging your knee, you absorb the sounds of the street.
"Do I hear.... small children reciting the Korean National Anthem.... a possible concert pianist practicing....an intimidating Korean male training Tikwando students....kids singing the English alphabet....is that the Gettysburg Address?" You ask.
"Yes, in Korea, every single child goes to an after-school Hagwon. Hagwon is a sweeping name for private institute, they range anywhere from piano lessons, to martial arts, to English lessons. In summer, with every window open, as you walk down the street it is like your I-pod shuffle is broken so every step it skips to another song/subject." I explain.
"I think I see another group of kids coming and I can't eat anything else before Hapkido, lets go!" I quickly add.
I help you up and we continue down the street, towards my favorite cafe. On Mondays, I go to the cafe before my Korean lesson and the shop owner corrects/does my homework. He is a little too vigorous with his help, I often spend the bus ride to my tutor rewriting his work so it at least looks like my handwriting.
We pass the cafe, the owner is cooking in front of the window. He gives us a huge smile, points to you and gives me two thumbs up. This means he thinks your cute. We use the same system with my outfits in the morning, only a few of my skirts have received two thumbs up...you must be really cute.
We continue up, in my opinion, a practically vertical hill. Kids pass and yell hello, adults pass and give us a perplexed nod. Your presence represents a 50% rise in the foreigner population.
At the top of the hill I point out my temple...the Aseong Jinjibang (spa). Don't worry, we will go there later, right now we need to rush. My school is on your right, no need for a tour, you remember it from the You Tube video.
We rush down.... a wide ally? My uncertain descriptions can only be explained by Korea city planning, they pave an entire area first. There is no initial flattening of land or preplaning as to what structures will be built upon the cement. If an ant mound existed before the cement, the ant city is forever entombed in the middle of the sidewalk. After everything is paved, in no discernible fashion, they start constructing buildings.
We continue down my short cut, climb over tractors, decline offers to buy lettuce and slip on multiple heaps of litter, until we finally reach the Hapkido door... Ok the entire walk only took us 7 mins.

I will continue with the actuall class tomorrow.

On learning Korean part three

The language stories I shared in the previous posts are a dime a dozen. Sometimes I forget they are funny, they just seem commonplace. So here is the question this blog aims to answer, "With so many hazards associated with not learning Korean, why doesn't everyone just shut up and learn it?" This is a multi-faceted answer so bare with me.
Most Koreans have never heard a none-native trying to speak their language. English speakers are used to a myriad of accents and slang that bitch slaps the Queen's English with phrases such as "Hella good." When I approach, blond hair ablazing, I send Korean listening comprehension running for the hills. Here is a typical scenario, I have taken many liberties but trust me none of the awkwardness is hyperbole.

Scene three: Leslie walks into a restaurant, parched looking to order water. She sits at a table, and a Korean waitress begrudgedly approaches.
Leslie: "Mul juseyo (I would like water please)"
Waitress stares silently at Leslie half shielding her eyes. A voice from off stage narrates the waitress's thoughts.
Waitress: "Ah my eyes! Is all blond hair so reflective? I wonder if it is real, maybe she won't notice if I touch it."
The waitress reaches out and rubs Leslie's hair between her thumb and index finger. Leslie notices, yet reiterates her request.
Leslie: "Mul juseyo."
Waitress: "The hair is definitely real. She is going to expect me to speak English. I hate speaking English, I'm so terrible at it, this is so embarrassing. What is she doing here, I bet she teaches English. I love her nose, I wish my nose was so big. Oh man is she talking again."
Leslie (a little more desperately): "Mul juseyo"
Waitress: "Wait was that Korean. Maybe... I can't tell... it almost sounded like it."
The waitress shakes her head at Leslie and leans in closer. Seeing she finally has the waitresses attention, Leslie repeats her question for the fourth time, pronouncing every syllable and straining her vocal cords with the added effort.
Waitress: "Yes that was Korean. Wow, I'm so happy she is learning our culture, I bet Korea helped wean her off the drugs. Hmmm, but why is she asking for cigars."
Leslie stares at the waitress, dehydrated and dejected. The waitress stares back, dazed and confused.
Leslie (in English): "Water, please!?!"
Waitress (out loud): "Oh water!"

End scene.

Jokes aside, this is my life. I spend a lot of time trying to learn Korean. It is almost an obsession. I can't stand not understanding the people/world around me. I read children's books to my co-teacher, listen to Korean tapes and complete lessons on Rosetta Stone and Live Mocha. It took me a month just to realized all Koreans were not actually yelling at me. Here are some of my challenges.
There is at least three different ways to say the same thing, which phrase you say depends on who you are talking to you. Lets say someone asks me where I am from. If they are older I have to say, 'Mi guk es aw wa sub ni da." If they are my peer, "Mi guk es aw wa saw yo." If they are younger, "Mi guk es aw wa da." So if I finally retain a phrase, I can only speak to one third of the population.
Koreans pronounce double consonants that do not exist in English. These are called aspirated consonants. The ssal/sal: rice/flesh story is a perfect example of the folly when these consonances are mispronounced. Here is the difference between a Korean listener and an an English listener; if someone says "Tanks very much" after I have just opened the door for them, I realize they were attempting to say "Thanks" based on the context of the situation. Additionally, I had heard my language butchered prior to that moment. Koreans are not prepared for me. If every syllable is not perfect, there is no comprehension. It took me two months to actually receive water in a restaurant.
I'm used to English spoon feeding me things such as subjects and contexts. Korean is so implicit even if I know every word in a sentence, I have no idea what it is trying to say. Subjects are optional/nonexistent, and the same phrase can have a completely different meaning depending on the context or tone. The word for eight is also the word for arm, kwuainchanayo is "are you OK?" and "yes, I'm OK". Koreans often times don't understand each other because the meat of the conversation is what is not said rather than said.
It is for the above reasons many foreigners are not a fool hardy as I and don't learn the language. However, Korea has challenged me to a dual, and I will not leave until I am fluent. I have decided to sign one more year at my school, I have become rather attached to sipping cigars and munching on flesh.

On learning Korean part two

Thus far, I have discussed the hazards of speaking Korean, but it is just as dangerous going the other way--when Koreans speak English.
Scene Two: Mike is one of my foreigner friends who lives in Pyeontaek (the city 10 mins from my apartment). He is a huge grizzly bear of a man but most likely has a stash of romantic comedies under his bed. Mike, Misha (my connection to the group) and their Wonderland buddies (a Hogwon/private English school) have dinner at Mike's apartment almost every weekend. Mike has a roof, grill and inhuman ability to create meat marinades. One time, he made barbecue sauce from grape jelly, Tabasco sauce, and a few other secrete ingredients...for the entirety of the meal I wanted to have his cubs, yes folks it was that good.
Anyhow, Mike bought an oven for one of these weekend meals . Ovens in Korea are not standard, in fact, they are a relatively new phenomena. Those few foreigners who have them, are "the cool kids." Mike was in a second hand store, the sales men told him it was an oven, they spoke "good" English, Mike bought the oven and bragged ceaselessly.
Ok the scene is set. I missed this meal I was out of town. Everyone is gathered in Mike's frathouseesk apartment. He makes chicken with his usual divine seasoning then puts it in the oven. He waits thirty mins, the chicken is not cooked. The red light indicates it is working, so Mike waits another 15 mins and checks it again. Still not cooked. Starvation calls Misha into the kitchen, who also checks the chicken. He looks at the oven, then looks at Mike.
"Mike, are you sure your bought an oven?"
"Yeah dude, three sales people told me it was a f* oven, it just takes a while." (note the defensiveness in Mike's voice)
"Mike there are no working parts, you bought a cup warmer."
"No way dude."
Mike inspects the oven with fresh eyes. He silently removes the chicken from the cup warmer then throws it on the barbecue. I wish I hadn't missed this meal, but the moral is...learn Korean.

On learning Korean

I have started taking Korean classes, this blog is an explanation as to why.
Scene one: I am in the grocery store.
Grocery stores in Korea are like western stores on crack. The constant twitch has left the store's general appearance disheveled; random items are strewn on the floor, including cold products which are often still crated in front of the refrigerated aisle. Frequently, awkward concerts are held on the corner outside the entrance, begging for one more customer-- a desperate plea for just one more bumb. Lastly, there is always a man on a microphone yelling sales with such ceaseless euphoria his energy much be drug induced. This man is the bane of my existance.
I have finally translated my rice cooker, so I go to the store in search of uncooked rice. I have done my homework, ssal aw di eh yo?/where is the uncooked rice? I go up to the slowest of the Sing Sing Market employees. I mean slow in the literal sense of the word-- physically unable to move with speed or alacrity. Korean employees have a tendency to scatter/hide behind anything when they see an English speaker approaching. This poor man's age prevented him from ducking behind the raw fish stand-- no worries though, I am about to speak Korean. "Sal aw di eh yo?" He chuckles (in my opinion too heartily) and takes me to the next employee. "Mat nun mal i ya," he says. I understand he is asking me to say it again, thinking he is so impressed with my Korean, I repeat with added vigor. After, I am paraded to three more employees, all of which buckle in laughter, I know I am missing something. I am mortified, however, when the cracked out man on the microphone is called over and my question is broadcast to the entire store.
In Korean, ssal is uncooked rice and sal is human flesh. The difference to our western ears is relatively negligible. I describe it as; when asking for rice one should sound seven degrees angrier than when asking for flesh. Obviously my pronounciation lacked the proper pathos, insofacto, I'm Hanibal Lecter.
Why, you may ask, don't I simply wander aimlessly and chance taking home the wrong product? Enter Maria stage left. She recently took home a box of questionable cereal, because she lived by the trial and error doctrine. Two spoon fulls in, yes two, she realized it was bird seed.

End of scene one, curtain drops, please enjoy your brief intermission. I must go to bed, just call me Aunt Danette because my bedtime is also 9:30.

Who-ville

I teach in Who-ville. There are times when I sit at my desk, hold my head, and yell "Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!" I am always immersed in a constant state of hubbub. On delirious days, I watch the kids playing with their whosits or whatsits and swear half are riding unicycles and the other half are eating Who-hash (ok Kimpchi). Honestly, Dr. Suis has trade marked half these kids cheeks...I have one student who I swear is Cindy Lou-Who reincarnated.

I understand chaos is nothing new to an elementary school teacher, however, I contend this common commotion is infused with a strand of absurdity unique to Korea. Allow me to describe my day (I wrote this section a month ago, yes I know this proves how behind I am in blogging).

I teach a paid course during winter and spring vacation. Ordinarily, I teach 22 classes of 30 students once a week. Needless to say, before these paid classes I was unable to get to know individual students, and saw them as a collective foreign mass. On breaks, I see twenty kids and twenty personalities for two hours every day.

Today I am in in the classroom jamming to Big Bang (a Korean boy band equivalent to the Backstreet Boys) and doing last minute lesson plan preparation, when Do Hyeong and Jae Min run into class. "Teacher, Teacher, tomorrow you, me, dead!" "Ah, I thought we covered this... tomorrow we WILL die, today we die, yesterday we died. Anyway, why?" Do Hyeong points to himself, "Me Kim Jong Il" he then mimes machine gunning an imaginary crowd while Jae Min pretends to march behind him.

At this time Ji Hyeon comes in eating one of my favorite Korean pastries. I'm instantly angry, "Ji Hyeon what did I tell you about....". "Teacher, Teacher...I know," she says with a grin, she pulls mine out from behind her back. She had intentionally taunted me.

"Good afternoon Undertaker," I say taking a bite of my delicious gift from Ji Hyeon. My favorite second grader had just walked in. This is an advanced class for 3-6th graders, he fought to be in it and is amazing. He sneaks behind my back and puts Undertaker wrestling videos on the big screan while I'm teaching. Its disruptive but hilarious. He also won't answer to any other name other than Undertaker. Well that is until today. "TEACHER NO MORE UNDERTAKER! STAGE NAME PETER!" I was so taken aback by his outburst I spilled pastry syrup all over my shirt. My pets Na Yeong and Shin Ae quickly run to get me a wet paper towel, while Undertaker/Peter/Sun Ho makes his new magician's stage name "Peter" perfectly clear. There is no convincing him Peter is reserved for pipers and not magicians. I love this kid.

For next couple of minutes I am distracted, fruitlessly, trying to scrub the syrup off my shirt. Eventually, I look up and see Hung Goo shimmying on the outside ledge of the school. I open the window, grap him by the scruff of the neck and pull him into the classroom. Once he is in the room, I give him a small bob on the head for good measure, I mean the fall isn't lethal so I can't help but chuckle.

I begin class and Hung Goo is distraught in his seat. He becomes so clearly upset I take him out of class and call Rahi my co-teacher to console him. After about 20 mins Rahi comes into the classroom looking perplexed. "Have you seen the little boy? I told him to go wipe his face in the bathroom, and I think he climbed out the window because I can't find him anywhere," she says. Class ends and there is still no sign of Hung Goo. Later, I was informed, he was on the ledge because the other boys had taken advantage of Undertaker's outburst and had locked him out of the classroom. He saw his balancing act as a sign of loyalty to my class, as he was clearly trying to enter through the window given the door was no longer an option. My bob on the head showed I was not appreciating his effort/dedication. He had been gone for 40 mins and no one could find him, so I resign myself to waiting by his stuff until he is forced by hunger or darkness to show himself. Unfortunately, I have the bladder the size of a parakeet, I mistakingly run to the bathroom, when I return his stuff is gone. He was obviously well hidden in an area where he could monitor my movements. My list of his possible hiding spots; the rafters, a secrete bookshelf door, or of course the ledge of the building.

All I can say is these kids are amazingly rediculous. When I first arrived I saw teaching as only a vehicle to travel. Now I am becoming deperately attatched.

I hope some people still read this blog. I know I have let you all down in the update department. I will try harder.

Taxi Cab Confessions

One of my key drives to learn how to hongul mal (speak korean) is so I can describe my destination to a cab driver. Most don't know a word of English and some don't even bother stopping for my Caucasian thumb. Unfortunately, it is easy to confuse this language barrier with a sound proof wall, and the following story will serve to remind all...the back seat of a taxi cab should not be used as a confessional.

On Thanksgiving all the foreigners in Anseong gathered to share American food staples...Mac&Cheese, turkey, and jello shots. At this dinner a tri-pod was forged between Tom, a girl name Courtney and myself. Reminder: Tom is the British boy, I met my 2nd weekend out, who unsuccessfully attempted to prevent my tackling of pedestrians/Canadians. I have never met people that I have liked so instantly.

Courtney is a Scooby Doo character with a modern twist. She has an impossibly positive attitude, and is always ready with a "groovy", "totally awesome" or 70's dance move. At restaurants, I'm tempted to order her Kimchi with a side of Scooby Snacks. In her pre-Korea life she was a staunch lesbian with a shaved head and chip on her shoulder. She came to Korea to better understand her Korean/American girlfriend's roots. The girlfriend is history yet Courtney remains in all her bubble gum splendor.

The tripod was solidified after an unfortunate incident with a disgruntled singing toilet. The three of us were at a coffee shop when I came back from the bathroom perplexed, because the toilet had no less than 10 buttons. All I wanted to do was to flush, but Courtney rushed up to show me the toilet also sings. In the bathroom, She and I bent over the toilet to better hear the harmony meant to sooth even the most irritable of bowels. Courtney pressed the "audio" button, and both of us were mesmerized by the small spout that descended from the toilet tank, Courtney leaned in closer to get a better look at what she thought was an oddly placed speaker. The bidet sprayed Courtney square in the face, I screamed and fled the bathroom. When I finally looked back (still doubled over in laughter) I see Courtney trying to block Ole Faithful with both hands, soaking her entire right side in the process. By this time Tom, and the entire restaurant, were craning their necks to locate the source of the shrieks and sputtering. Courtney slowly walked back to our table, not so triumphant and soaked, with me hyperventilating in laughter by her side. After we sit down and explain, the brilliant Brit simply says, "Why didn't you just close the lid?" We have been the best of friends ever since.

Sorry about the toilet tangent...back to the taxi. Courtney and I have weekly dinners where we discuss the weekend and our Korea adaptation. This particular night, both of us are oddly coy about our weekend happenings. After dinner we get into a cab, and I burst..."Ok, I think I accidentally became a Korean mistress this weekend." She replies " Oh thank God, I think I had sex with Tom this weekend and have no idea what to do with a penis, I mean really, I just wanted to make balloon animals or something." Our talk for the remainder of the cab ride was dominated by these two topics. Sometimes I suspected the cabbie laughed after a couple of our more ridiculous/juicy statements, but he was also watching a Korean game show on his T.V. so I thought it was just a weird coincidence. In the interest of my Grandparents still talking to me after this blog, I will not divulge the details of the conversation, but I have never had such an embarrassing, absurd, saucy conversation...and of course when we get out of the cab the man says in perfect English "Have a nice day and thank you for that!" I hope I never see that cabbie again!

Epilogue: Courtney and Tom are dating and I am still ignoring calls from both Bruce and his secretary.

Jumbo Fine Print

If you were to see a physical representation of a Korean agreement, it would look like the entrance contract of Willy Wonka’s Factory—it starts out large then becomes indecipherable at the bottom.

Leslie will you do a video message for the superintendant?
A camera crew will come to the school Friday
You will be introducing the school
The movie will be played at an assembly
There will be 300 people at the assembly
The assembly is actually a ribbon cutting ceremony
The video will be played on a Jumbo screen
The Superintendant, Mayor, School Board, and every other important Anseong Suit will attend
It is actually the introduction CD to Yes Space and will given to all parents
You should brush your hair
We are going to start paying you in noodles (kidding, just wanted to see if you would read this far)

As usual, we must start with a commentary on Korean culture. Education, in this country, is a bizarre façade almost completely centered on appearances. Saving face, or more creating it, saturates every facet of this culture. My first week, the entire school was in a frenzy because they were having a week long ceremony for the parents. These ceremonies, to me, meant standing on a stage staring at a mass of four-hundred people all of whom appeared to have been spawned from the same egg. I felt more like an exhibit than an English teacher. I swear if they had had sticks, I would have been poked with them. Anyhow, the school canceled classes, ordered flowers, bought everyone food, and paraded around their new native English speaking teachers. I have been informed; that this is almost entirely how the school is judged…its reputation is based on an elaborate show not curriculum. Allow me to elaborate with the following…

1. My school is amazing. They spent millions of dollars (billions of won) on the English institute Yes Space. I have a 40 inch flat screen T.V. and an awesome classroom. We have an airplane room (equipped with a computer) that we cannot fathom how to use more than once. Yet, despite all these spent resources, there was absolutely no thought to the curriculum. I have received no training and the given teacher’s books were in Korean. My first class, the Korean teacher didn’t show up for. I was dumbfounded and when I asked where the kids were in the book, almost every student turned to a different page. The other English teachers, didn’t even have a full class load until a couple of weeks ago. The bottom line, the school spent 1,000,000 won on new desks—no matter, that there are no children sitting in the seats.
2. After about a week of “teaching” Jin Mi my supervisor took me to an open class. In theory, this is an observation class where other foreign teachers can witness how a normal English lesson is conducted. I was confused at first, the children were raising their hands before a question was asked and there was not a single mistake made. Stepford children. Later, I learned these classes were rehearsed and the children were hand selected. It was of absolutely no use to me because it was scripted far beyond the normal fourth grader level. One old boy even said he doesn’t watch T.V. because the women are too provocative. The purpose is not to share knowledge; these open classes are spitting contests between local schools. The irony is everyone knows they are scripted; therefore, no one is impressed, which renders the entire exercise obsolete.
3. Two weeks ago, I was sitting in my office watching snake regurgitates hipo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3dDvspMNYc) when I was rushed into my classroom. Ten teachers sit down at the tables and open their notebooks. I am then taken to the board and moved like manikin into some teacher pose. One minute later a camera crew comes in, makes a sweep of the room and leaves. This was Yanjin Elementary showing teachers are also interested in learning English. In their defense, I have since conducted a teacher course but not in the same fashion portrayed on the news.

Korea has the longest working day coupled with the lowest productivity rate. I believe this is entirely due to their preference of form over substance. Bruce (the Korean I met on the plane) explains it well, “It looks good to say and show you work long hours but since my workers know they will be there till 8 pm, they do almost nothing until 4pm.” This mindset starts with the education system, Koreans are crazed when it comes to schooling—the parents spend more money on education than the government. Children receive an uncanny amount of pressure to succeed and get into a top university. However, once admitted to the university it is a four year vacation. I must cover more of this topic at a later date but I fear I have already tested all of your attention span; back to entering into a Korean agreement.

The first week I arrived, Jin Mi (my supervisor) asked me to do a video introduction of Yes Space for the superintendant. I was a taken aback when a professional film crew arrived but quickly forgot the episode. Fast-forward three weeks later, I am sitting in yet another ceremony contemplating the Principal’s orange sequin tie. This is the opening ceremony for Yes Space and the auditorium has traded its usual chattering parents for every stern Suit in Anseong—the Mayor, Superintendant, School Board etc. Luckily, the principal had already gone through introductions so I was free to sit back and put my own words into each speaker’s mouth. It is about this time, a jumbo screen descends from the ceiling and I soon see my face four feet tall and directly in front of me. At that moment I realize, this is the "message to the superintendant" and I have never seen myself on camera, let alone a jumbo-screen. All I could think about was...if my face is four feet tall than how many inches in diameter is that mole on my cheek? The assembly ended and I Jin Mi bolted for the entrance in anticipation of my wrath.

I never caught her, because after the ceremony, I was lauded as a professional reporter and told countless times I looked like a movie star. It’s odd how an excessive amount of sensationalized compliments can neutralize your emotions. In Korea I have found my routine emotions have been knocked off kilter by absurdity, so much so I almost can't identify what I am actually feeling.

So here is the silly introduction to Yes Space. I am attaching it because it is the best way to show all of you where I am working, and yes I promise I will put pictures up tomorrow! I also vow to blog every day until I catch up with my journal. Oh just rewind past our principal and note the Backstreet Boys soundtrack!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbaPdTeEqqM